Adventures, planets and bugs

Well, off I went on what was meant to be a small jaunt to buy gifts for the lovely nurses at the hospital. It turned into a three-and-a-half hour epic! I took the SkyTrain into Bangkok, thinking I would find the huge Tesco Lotus store there, buy some chocs or some flowers and a skirt that Ellie wanted, hop on the Subway and then go up to the hospital ready for Ellie’s discharge.

Was it that straightforward? No. To begin with there are at least four enormous shopping malls within feets of each other, two featuring the word ‘central’ in their names, and two the word ’siam’. Any sign of Tesco Lotus? Nope. Anyway, I figured I would have a look around anyway. There were some shrines outside the first mall, big huge golden things, one featuring the Indian elephant god, Ganesh. i felt a warm hand on my arm. There stood a diminutive man with a cheeky smile. “is Indian Buddha,” he explained. he was impressed when I told him I knew its name. He pointed to the other one and said, dismissively, “Ah. Camobodia Buddha.” I’m not sure the name of this one, a beautiful woman with five faces. Then he proudly announced, “I police officer.” he opened his wallet and sure enough, there inside was a laminated card that said “POLICE” on it. Call me a cynic but its lack of photo ID or any kind of numbers made me a tiny bit suspicious. In fact, it looked like the kind of thing you get in a kids’ policeman dressing-up set. “Gosh,” I replied, trying to look suitably impressed. then I made my polite goodbyes and set off to get thoroughly lost in the shopping malls, an experience that was like a cross between Bladerunner and Groundhog Day. I eventually escaped, but not until I’d circumnavigated the same skywalk about four times, hunting vainly for an exit.

Lots of things are up in the air in Bangkok. There are elevated pavements – the skywalks – and elevated roads built above existing roads at the level of people’s second storey windows. This is good if you like having a bit of a nose into other people’s homes, a sin I am horribly guilty of.

In one place I spotted a canal with a road on top of it, then another road going the other direction above it, and the expressway on top of it all. A bit like Devil’s Bridge, really.

I finally decided to cut my losses and get the subway to a different Tesco Lotus which I knew existed, and then caught a taxi to the hospital. Somehow, despite me having official hospital notepaper with the name written in both English and Thai, the driver took me to wrong hospital. It was actually visible from where I caught it, and I pointed down the road and said, “Piyavate.” As we drove off in completely the wrong direction I tentatively said, “U-turn?” (because u-turns are beloved of the taxidrivers here!” but he said no, he knew the way. I trusted him because lots of the drivers seem to know cunning short cuts which avoid road tolls and traffic jams and the like. Eventually admitted he was heading the wrong way when I gave him my map. He was heading for a totally different hospital with a very similar name.

 Anyway, aside from that, things here have been blissfully quiet. The mosquitoes have had a good nosh on my right leg, curiously avoiding the left one. Also, I discovered to my shame last night that the ‘planets’ I could see from the fire escape were, in the cold light of day actually big white discs on the power lines. Oops. I would make a lousy astronomer, I think.

Breaking News!

Following my campaign to raise awareness of basic motorbike safety, the Thai Public Health chief says that ‘Monks, mothers with babies and women wearing long skirts should avoid riding motorcycles because of the risk of injury’

 So yes, you heard it here first. And I bet you can hear me sigh with relief, too. Actually the story is not that funny, because inevitably there have been several fatalities and maimings. I wonder if there is a niche in the market for importing protective bike gear? And even helmets, dare I suggest?

Anyway, on a brighter note, today’s Moped Moment involved a pillion passenger pulling a  huge handcart behind the moped, using only one hand. Impressive stuff. And I actually saw a traffic cop. Tomorrow, I will blog about either Thai music, Thai telly or Thai fashion, or possibly even a combination of all three. I suspect you getting bored of the mopeds now.

This is turning into a traffic blog

Call me a nerd, but I could write about Bangkok traffic all day and not get bored.

Today I am mostly wondering why in the West people wear hyper-protective leathers on their motorcycles when here in Bangkok a mini-skirt and flipflops will suffice. Especially when riding sidesaddle behind your boyfriend and not holding on!

Otherwise, the taxidrivers of Bangkok are their usual idiosyncratic selves. My favourite so far was the one who had bright red and yellow fleecy seat covers that said MERRY CHRISTMAS! on the headrest covers. “Haha!” I laughed as I got in. “Merry Christmas!”

“Haha!” he replied. “Merry Christmas!” This was our entire conversation from the hotel to the hospital. When I pointed out it wasn’t Christmas yet, he looked very hurt indeed, so I just carried on with my un-seasonal greetings.  I liked him, though. He had big Elvis sunglasses on, even though it was quite cloudy.

My least favourite taxi driver so far has been the old man who came from the ‘drive very close to the car in front then brake alarmingly’ school of motoring. This elite club actually has many members here. I suspect that one of their strict rules is “always make sure the clippy-in bit of your seatbelts is tucked under the seat thereby preventing passenger from being lulled into false sense of security that their journey is safe.”

Traffic aside, I am getting into the swing of all things Thai, and can now say ‘hello’ and ‘thankyou’ quite convincingly. I went on the SkyTrain and subway by myself, which was fun. The subway issues plastic tokens instead of tickets, and you pass them over a sensor to get onto the platform. Guess who was trying to push the token into a non-existant slot? Anyway I got the hang of it in the end, and only got off one stop early. How I managed this when the next station is clearly announced in both English and Thai is beyond me, but it did mean I got another taxi ride, this time in a bright pink one!

Oh look at me! Talking about transport again! I went off on a small adventure on Sunday, and got a bit lost. It was good fun, though. I found a shopping mall where a huge Scalextric championship was taking place, and then passed a Modelling College, where, in full view of the street a gaggle of Thai supermodel-types were strutting their stuff and learning to do catwalk twirls. Interestingly, the college also taught not only acting but also ‘personality’!

The moon here is huge, and right overhead, and last night I spotted Orion, which isn’t visible til much later in the year in Wales. There are also what looks like two planets visible to the east. Is this possible? All suggestions gratefully recieved.

Right, I think the internet is about to conk out here, so that’s all from me for now. Love to you all xxx

Some photos at last!

The traffic here is lively, to say the least. I thought seeing a woman riding pillion on a moped with her baby in her arms was hairy enough, and then we were overtaken by another moped, this one with not one but two pillion passengers and a toddler crouched in the footwell! In traffic jams the mopeds seem to adhere to the old adage about keeping death off the roads by driving on the pavements.

But the vehicles themselves are mostly beautiful.

  

 At rush hour the only taxi that agreed to take us to the SkyTrain station was a tuktuk. I will never be scared of rollercoasters again after zooming through the afore-mentioned crazy traffic in a three-wheeled, open-sided vehicle driven by a man who pulled u-turns in front of busses with no apparent warning or reason!

The jewel-coloured taxis have been an experience, too. Our driver to the Grand Palace squinted at our map, and apologised for his poor sight, claiming to have a ‘long eye’. he pulled his glasses from the glove compartment and laughingly told us they were only good for ’short eye’! We arrived in one piece though, and when we told him we were from Wales, he smiled in recognition, saying, ‘Lion King, Lion King!’ It took us a few minutes to realise he was actually referring to ‘Ryan Giggs!’

The Grand Palace, as I mentioned earlier, was incredible, decorated inside and out with gold, glittering mosaics, murals, statues and wonderful exotic plants.

   

    

I’ll post some more photos next time I’m online: I have lots and lots but the hotel internet runs with erratic efficiency and right now it’s suddenly reset itself to ‘frustratingly slow’. Anyway, I hope you enjoy these.

Love to you all xxx

PS – Click on the photos if you want to see bigger files!

Food, glorious food!

It has to be said, Thai food is amazing. Needless to say I am eating far more of than is good to me and wil probably have to book an executive seat on the way back (Thai Airways recommend this for obese travellers. True.)Anyway, I have gorged myself on far too much seaweed and cashew nuts and other loveliness and I’m now so full I am unable to fully straighten out my body. The restaurant was full of Thai people who looked at me askance when Ellie said something so funny that I made a strange noise somewhere between a guffaw and a cackle. This level of indignity is not socially acceptable in Thailand and as a result i will probably find myself in the Bangkok Hilton in the next few days. (No, it’s not a hotel.) In between me being inappropriate, the restaurant’s clientele were officially being entertained by a chap I will lovingly refer to as Piano Man. Piano Man plays a souped-up Bontempi organ with incredible gusto and style, and is occasionally accompanied not only by Singing Lady (who lacks his gusto and style), but also Violin Man, who bears an uncanny resemblence to Mr Miyagi and who plays like Stephan Grapelli. It is not as camp as it sounds, and in this setting is actually quite wonderful. There are people dancing, but we did not join them as they were doing it in the proper ballroom stylee, and we can not do that. Actually the hotel has a huge sprung-floor dance studio which is available for hire; I have strong urges to rent it for an hour and dance like a wild thing whilst videoing myself, and then put the results on YouTube. I am lucky that I have enough dignity to resist these urges when they come upon me.We went swimming as dusk turned to night, which it does incredibly quickly here. The pool was warm and empty apart from Ellie and I. I taught her a less drowning-prone version of backstroke, which I think she was grateful for. On the way out we saw two lizards, small and almost translucent, several cats, a bat and a whole load (what is the collective noun for the, please?) of toads. Tiny toads, and one was happily swimming in the foot bath at the pool. Well, he was happy until he realised he was too tiny to hop out, although this didn’t stop him trying on numerous occasions. Luckily, Ellie is the toad’s friend and gave him a helping hand, and off he hopped between two bungalows.

I braved a trip to the 7-11 on my own, whilst Ellie was having a massage and purchased a phone card. This was the second phone card I’d bought today, the first of which turned out to be a mobile phone top-up card. Obviously my mime takents are not as impressive as I thought.

I was shocked by the amount of ‘whitening creams’ on sale here: the Thai female beauty aesthetic is diametrically opposed to that in the Uk. In fact, I can’t recall seeing any fake tan in the supermarket at all. Needless to say I feel like a great gallumping carthorse next to all the tiny Thai women.

I’m getting more used to the heat, but we’ve had the air conditioning on most of the time in our room. It’s on the ninth floor and the windows don’t open. When we wake in the morning the glass is hot to the touch.

I still can’t get over quite how strange it is – even the cats and dogs look different – but I’m loving it here. It’s blissful to get a break from the British weather and the mundanities of day-to-day life, although I miss everyone terribly. But it is grand being here, even popping out to the shops is an adventure, not least because the pavements are full of not pt-holes but huge big craters, and as you know I’ve never been the most dainty of people!

Love to you all xxx

Madness, sheer madness!

Bangkok is unlike anything I have experienced before: there are so many things which are deceptively similar, but hundreds more that are stranger than strange, things that throw you completely and leave you horribkly disoriented and thinking for the umpteenth time that day that you’ve awoken in a parallel surrealist universe. Things like:

• The tv show about the chimp that’s best friends with some kind of bulldog. These are real animals, note, not cartoons. The chimp does things, like cooks (using gas rings, my god!) and then hugs the dog afterwards. Luckily for all concerned, the chimp wears gloves whilst in the kitchen. I am not sure why this last point reassured me.
• The WHOLE AISLE devoted to talcum powder in the supermarket. Never before had I considered the effect of climate on the toiletry industry.
• Ash preserved fried turnips and egg on the menu. I haven’t trued this one yet, but I will. Actually all the food we’ve had has been stunning.
• The humidity is sauna-esque. Stepping out of the airport was like opening the over door when you’ve been cooking a Sunday roast. Rolling cigarettes becomes near-impossible in this climate.
• The people are are all lovely. Well, apart from the guy who tried to drive us a very strange way home in his taxi yesterday.  He didn’t get a tip and I gave him my hard stare.

Weirdness aside, though, we are having a very good time. I think we probably over-did it yesterday, walking too much and trying to cram too much in. We did, however, visit the Grand Palace, which is the most bling place ever. And possibly the most serene, also. The Temple of the Emerald Buddha was so still, and so coll and a welcome break from the heat and craziness.

Today the plan is to just hang out and chill, I think. Elle is going for a massage, and I am not because I don’t like being touched by strangers. I think we’ll swim as well, and if any of you are waiting for phonecalls I will do my best to make them.

Here we go…

My bags are pretty much packed. I’ve checked the wheareabouts of my passport umpteen million times, and all I need to do is wrap the birthday presents to be sent in my absence.

This time tomorrow I’ll be at Heathrow, waiting to get a plane to the other side of the world. I have no idea what to expect: people say it’ll be busy, it’ll be hot, it’ll be totally alien and and totally familiar all at the same time – who knows. I’m looking forward to setting foot on a new contient, to the rush of new smells that scent the heat that rushes up to greet you when ever you land somewhere new. It’s going to be tremendously exciting, but deep down inside I just a tiny bit scared…